Dissonance

My body and mind are buzzing, sorta vibrating with a lot of static.  Much energy.  Little focus.   This mind-body feeling-sound harbors dissonance.

Dissonance is defined as a noun at dictionary.com:
1.  inharmonious or harsh sound; discord; cacophony.
2.  (music) a simultaneous combination of tones conventionally accepted as being in a state of unrest and needing completion.
3.  (music) an unresolved, discordant chord or interval.
4.  disagreement or incongruity. 

Why the discord?  Some of it is yoga teaching me to find ease in my postures (moving on the mat and moving through life, right?).  Some of it is feeling irritated by responsibilities.  Some is just habit.  Mixing in me are the vinegar and oil of what I think I have to do and what I think I want to do.  Also in the shake are the spices of what my life is, what I thought it would be and what I predict it might become plus my ever-chugging mind.  These ingredients flavor my life. 

I question, “What if the incongruity is that my idea of what will make me happy is not a correct one?  Not MY actual truth?  What if I have been trained by my past to think certain things are important but am finding it not to be so now?”  This is cognitive dissonance, anxiety resulting from simultaneously having two contradictory attitudes.  I must wash the dinner dishes before bed AND I don’t care if the dishes are done before bed.  Reading is essential AND I don’t have time to read.  I thrive if I get up fifteen minutes early to sit in stillness AND I don’t want to get up early.  Somehow the buzz must find resolution.

There are truths I have discovered to be authentic to me.  Low energy, junk foods leave me and my family feeling low energy and junky.  Early bedtime is essential for a happy mommy and happy kids even if it takes a lot of personal oomph to make it happen.  I have also discovered throughout days of living, moments arrive that aren’t expected - somehow not the thing anticipated wherein I must look for the truth.  An unresolved state of unrest may be what introduces us to the present as it is, not as we thought it would be.

                                Dissonance

                                Tonal life notes offered as child tales

                                told, hopes mold anticipated

                                rising a whole step at a time, unless

                                seated sometimes in stillness

                                slowly opened spine colors show

                                what you thought is not real

                                lee, ta da dee dee, C.   Then D. 

                                All choices happening seem certain

                                unfolding as expected, up

                                appropriate scale with each hand

                                ranking satisfaction higher

                                flowing prescribed path proffered

                                until perhaps no one can be real

                                lee, ta da dee dee, now E.  

                                That the mount might actually fail

                                to follow prediction, a grade

                                unpleasing to the heart

                                tips the balance toward individual

                                truth, test before the fifth chakra

                                for telling what is you real

                                lee, ta da dee dee.  F sharp.